My therapist went on to suggest that first, I was a hero for simply surviving. He concluded his enlightenment with these words. “You survived the past, but no one can rescue you now except yourself. I’ve spent a lot of time emphasizing self-empowerment in my blogs. Our abusers are no longer in charge and we can choose to heal. The devastation wrought by childhood abuse makes you think change is impossible. The heartbreak is so severe, the anger so overpowering, the injustice so outrageous, it feels utterly incapacitating.Ībuse alters the way you live and move in the world. The sorrow that comes from being unloved, and the devastation of knowing the people you want to love most, are out to destroy you, is inexpressible. Trauma impacts every important relationship and tries to take away all the good things you are. It drives you to act in ways that violate yourself. Simply put, trauma alters the trajectory of your entire life. For me, the longing for home has been a physical all-consuming yearning that can never be fulfilled. I must live with everything that happened and everything that will never be.įor the trauma survivor, life is not a warm fuzzy journey of healing. I know what it feels like to want to die-and mean it. After years of suffering, I remember sitting alone one day and thinking, “I cannot live like this. “If my only option is death, then what do I have to lose? What if I throw everything I can think of at this problem?” It would be better to be dead than to be in such miserable distress.” Many times I mulled over the thought of suicide, and then this thought occurred. Support groups, therapy, youtube videos, friends, AA, NA, Al-Anon, church, no church, prayer, meditation, exercise, yoga, retreats, reading, journaling, talking, talking, talking, listening, listening, listening, relaxation exercises, deep breathing, knowledge and more. Survivors must use every weapon in the arsenal and it must be aimed directly at the breach in our souls. Like many people, there was never enough money for all the therapy I needed.

I went around that obstacle by attending affordable zoom meetings, free support groups, borrowing books and journaling, squeezing in the occasional therapy intensive when I could.

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